I love my life very much; there are very few things I would change.
My main change is, however, a big one... adding another precious little babe to our family. I love it so much on the weekends we have Toby and Ossie, how much they love their little sister - the way she laughs back at Toby pulling silly faces at her or the way Ossie always wants to help feed her and hold her hand; all truly heart melting moments. But then Sunday rolls around and they go back to their mum's and the house just feels empty and a little sad.
I know people will think I'm completely mad for wanting to jump straight back into the chaos of a second pregnancy, labour and the newborn whirlwind but without a doubt in my mind I am ready for it. I feel like I settled straight into motherhood; there was no dazed period for me. Without sounding like one of those mums, I smashed it... all of it. Pregnancy was incredible, birth was a breeze and Ottilie is simply the best baby I could have ever dreamed of. At 3 months old she was sleeping through the night and only cried when she had a reason to!
When we woke up just the three of us on Christmas day, I made my decision that I wanted to try for another baby. We did our presents then headed off to my mum's and it was lovely, but I couldn't help thinking about all my Christmases growing up. I have three older brothers so there was never a dull moment, even on the normal days. Christmas was my favourite because of my brothers and I wanted that for Ottilie every year! Not just the odd time we have the boys. Much to my surprise, Stephen was totally up for it!
we’re officially trying for baby number 2!
So a little after Christmas, we started trying for baby number 2 and this is where life slapped me in the face. We conceived Ottilie SO quickly, like the first go quickly, so I got a bit cocky thinking that would happen again... It didn't and each time mother nature visited or that pregnancy test came back negative was like a sledgehammer, it really was. But every cloud has a silver lining right? After every negative test or another box of tampons bought I hugged my daughter just that little bit tighter and I appreciate the hell out her every single day, even when she was being a toad.
As time went on, literally everything made me want to believe I was pregnant. I had a headache - I might be pregnant! My back ached - could I be pregnant? My period was three days late - I MUST be pregnant, except I wasn't. This is where I sort of hit rock bottom. I got so angry at myself and my body for not being able to do what it was built to do but in reality I should've given my body some credit and a lot of slack! It had just done it once and we'd only been trying for 2 months - it takes some people years to conceive; hell, some people can't do it at all. Stop being a brat Freya!
Next I began to look up all of the reasons it just wasn't happening for us. There was the classic stress, sleep deprivation, diet, but nothing had changed in mine or Stephen's life since the time we conceived Ottilie. Yes we now had a baby but I wasn't stressed, I wasn't sleep deprived, maybe I could've eaten a little better but then I thought maybe my body just wasn't ready yet?
"a watched pot never boils"
And then, just like that, just as I started to relax about it all and had the "it'll happen when it happens" approach ... my period was late! Isn't that always how it goes? I ran out like a crazy lady to buy a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! Hurrah! Finally! On February 14th I found out we were having another baby and I couldn't wait for Stephen to get home to tell him. (Brilliant timing too as I had forgotten to get him an actual valentines day present!)
The next day I HAD to get a Clearblue test to find out how many weeks I was and... it said not pregnant. Cue the heartbroken phonecall in tears to Stephen and the overreaction of ‘I give up with the whole thing’. In the back of my mind I had to think 'Just get on with life'...But a week went by with no period and I saw a glimmer of hope so I decided to do another test and what do you know? Two pink lines! Faint but they were there! I ran in to Stephen and yelled "THAT'S TWO RIGHT?!" and the Clearblue test I took the same day said I was 1-2 weeks pregnant!
So here we go again with my second pregnancy. We're on the mad rollercoaster of bringing a new baby into the world whilst trying to raise three others - bring it on!